surreality

WRITTEN IN: Abbotsford, BC - the WEE residence
AFTER: my godsister, Charissa's wedding

i can't believe in in abbotsford!... it wasn't until 4 days before the wedding that it was actually decided that i would come.. it's really actually very surreal... this is what happened... i called my godfather to ask for their address so that i could send them a card... but instead of an address, i got a plane ticket!!!!!!!!!... SO... on thursday night, after my night class, i boarded the 1:40am bus for the Toronto Airport to catch the 7:15am flight to Abbotsford BC. weekend happened - tomorrow, i arrive in Toronto at 10:26 pm - a friend's going to pick me up and bring me to the Toronto Bus Terminal to catch the 12:30pm bus to Kingston and arrive at 3:30... in time to catch a quick snooze and make it to work at 8am on monday morning.. oh my dear.. fun times.. i'm still young... hopefully =P... anyway...

- - excerpt from an email - -
i realized today... that i want to be a better person.. that's a very vague/broad phrase... but i really do. today, i met God in his presence for the first time in a while... not even doing anything... it wasn't even anything spectacular... just remembering the simple joys in life... i miss being around kids... and adults too... they have so much wisdom in even simple conversations... i'm always told not to long for the person i was in highschool.. but i actually do... in the fact that the person i was in highschool was content with everything... i didn't ask so many questions.. i didn't doubt so much... i simply enjoyed...i want to do that again...i don't want to do things because i feel pressured... i want to do things because i want to do them.. i know i say that a lot... but i really do simply want to enjoy the simple things in life again... i say this as i'm far far away from school and the campus area... i know it won't be this easy onc ei get there... as i get lost again in the work that needs to be done... i want to be so close to God again... and i usually feel this when i'm around so many other Christians... i think i mean adults in particular... i knew God so dearly at one point in time.. i know that feeling... and i want it again.. but i'm so scared that once i get back to kingston i'll forget what that feeling was and forget why i want it so badly ... anyway...

- - - -

i know there's a lot of '...'s... and i know you hate them, but too bad =P... this is what you get =]...

i miss my friends

For Yoce and Me

Is it wrong to eat alone?
To always talk on the cell phone?
To never just be in one place:
Let others truly see my face?

And is it wrong to hide away
beneath a sweatshirt's hood all day?
Protecting that which I found good
Underneath my yellow hood?

OH! Can I please just shut my door
and seal my heart here evermore
Or must I always walk the earth
to let other humans judge my worth?

But then again, what is to fear?
My heart is good -- God is here.
And God is strong when I am weak
So through me let God always speak
And God loves people, this I know
So let His love from my face flow.

-----------
i love you dear friend.. and i miss you so

patience and joy

thank you Lord


but now so tired =]...

unconstipate the children

i wrote a post with this same title about two years ago.. after i visited BFA (my school in germany) for the first (and only time) after i graduated...

when i came back from BFA, i realized that missionary kids often have the tendency to be emotionally constipated.. for the reason that showing emotion.. shedding tears... is a sign of weakness.. anger is simply a sin... of all that's expected from missionary kids, said and unsaid, anything REMOTELY unsettling in their lives they perceive as 'wrong'... it's not necessarily wrong... it may be just something you have to get through.. being homesick/sad??... takes to time get over... it's life...

but since then, i've realized that life in Canada is the same way...

it hurts me to see people in such pain, but so unwilling to share with people simply because of these STUPID MISCONCEPTIONS... and if they're willing, there aren't any ears to hear... i know this may be a generally sweeping statement... but i know that if you look around, you'll see this... it's not even biblical to keep your ALL your emotions in... as tabitha grubb said in her tribute to tears:

"I know this numbness all too well as time and time again I have shoved my feelings deep into the dark caverns of my heart. “I must be strong” I say to myself, justifying my emotional repression. In the end it is I who am weak, while those who weep are truly strong. “Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted” (Matt). “Blessed are you who weep now for you shall laugh”(Luke)."

i really like her whole article/speech on a tribute to tears... give it a read if you have a second...

Going back to BFA helped me realize how much I had come since highschool... I LOVED who i was in highschool.. I LOVED pretty much everything about highschool.. but I Thank God for the realization that that was then and this is now... seems simple... but much too complex for my simple mind... who i was in highschool was AWESOME for then... i need to be able to say that when i look back on university too though...

THUS:... i need to have more of these moments:



yeah i got schooled.... good timing on matt (the photographer)'s part..



but then i return and conquer =]



love you sarah nazwerijdkfjkovich =].. someday i'll learn your last name!

as simple as that.

i love you like a brother... nothing's gonna change that.

i'm here when you need me

My New Love: Rick

my beauty...
brand: easton
type: typhoon
color: sparkly bluish-green
size: JR!!! =]...
flex: 45
performance: 7
wear: 7.5
weight: 215 grams
... so pretty

why do i doubt?

God gave this to me this song by mercyme at a beautiful time.. His timing is perfect. check out the chorus

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home


I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now