Every Time I Breathe

condensed matter

conversation with mom and dad

mom: so what's andrew doing net year?
me:... lalala... applying to grad schools...
mom: so what does he want to study.. what area of physics?
me: condensed matter
mom: what does that mean?...
me:.. i have no idea...
mom: you never ask?... or you just forget..
me:... the latter =]...
dad:... duh... condensed matter is:
just drink condensed milk and condensed matter will come out
- pause for moment of laughter? -

... dad strikes again with his funny funny jokes.... (said as i roll my eyes)... although it is SLIGHTLY funny dad.. i do admit...

sidewalking

there is a major problem with sidewalks in society today... why are sidewalks built for two people... does it not make more sense to have sidewalks built for three people?... hear me out...

Two Person Sidewalk:
so if you have a two person sidewalk, and you have two people, then you're good to go... if you have three people, what are you supposed to do?.. one person gets left out (or what we now call, "sidewalked"... it works if you have four people, you can split two and two... however,



Three Person Sidewalk:
if you have a three person sidewalk, and have two people, you're good to go, if you have 3 people, you're good to go.. if you have 4 people, you can walk 2 and 2.. if you have 5 people, you can walk 3 and 2... and no one gets sidewalked!... is this great or is this great...

Being sidewalked can be one of the worst feelings... to avoid sidewalking, the person being sidewalked should at least be walking in front... make it a staggered kind of line... if the person is walking behind the other two, it just seems like they're left out/behind.

Moral of the Story, don't sidewalk people...

and thus concludes my sidewalk rant...

References: Andrew Chia

"should i use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil?"

God is so good

a song i used to sing all the time when i was a kid...
i should sing it more often...

... so these past few days have been kinda rough... just getting used to school, getting used to the house, missing my moma and popa... but God was pretty awesome today...

started my day off at 5:30... 'cuz i went to bed at like 10:30.. haha... anyway.. i woke up kind of restless... praying the day would be swell

.. so this morning, i went to class at 8:30... fully understood my 427 lecture - which doesn't happen too often... especially with Bob Ross - went to the library, finished my 335 reading, went to the doctor to get my TB test.. booked two more appointments for the second step of my TB test... turns out i don't actually need a second step 'cuz i've had it before... (yaya which saves me two more appointments =])so the nurse asked me to get the form that needed to be signed... so i ran off happy ('cuz i could apply for volunteering a week early than expected)... off to get my form... ran into one of my high school kids.. who actually isn't a high school kid anymore... so i started walking with him to class (in the opposite direction of home, the location of my form)... just 'cuz i wanted to see how he was doing and such... was having a good time when i looked at my watch and realized i was gonna be late.. so i said bye.. started running.. and i thought.. why must i run home when i can go next door to the hospital and just get another form... so i did... so today was SUPER productive!...

i thank God that i got my TB tests done and that i got to run into nat... relatively small events, but highly unexpected and super encouraging.. and tonight, we get to have dinner with Rebecca.. a family friend of the chia's who just started school here at Queen's...

anyway.. i'm happy.. truly joyful... i got an unwelcomed headache last night (which was why i went to bed early)... which has resurfaced.. so i'm gonna take a rest...

this update is for my moma... i miss her muchly.. hehe =]..

oh yeah i got my hair cut by a REAL .. hair cutter... are they called barbers?... anyway... yahoo... i'll try and post pics later... i got bangs.. weird.. but getting used to them..

anyway..
love you all...

God's pretty awesome

here's the scoop...

Monday - woke up with a bit of a sore throat and a headache... went to work... felt like my head was a bowling ball.... was sent home at around 1...went to bed..., felt bad that i hadn't studied for my exam on monday

Tuesday - still in bed... went to the doctor... came back to bed..., felt bad that i hadn't studied for my exam on monday

Wednesday - still in bed... BUT only took 3 naps throughout the day! =]... after one nap, i woke up at around 7... and realized that i forgot to hand in my assignment!... FLIPPED out... wrote my TA... and left it in God's hands... felt bad that i hadn't studied for my exam on monday... my parents called, my dad told me to stop being a wuss =P... THEN, a friend of mine sent me ALL the notes of ALL the chapters i hadn't read yet!!!!!!... praise GOD =] =] =]so all i have to do now is study!...

Thursday - woke up at a normal time! =], checked my qlink and found out that my TA graciously accepted my late assignment!... PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!... and here i am...

anyway... i just wanted to praise God for all the awesome things he's done for me this week... he's provided for me in some pretty awesome ways... and he's placed some pretty awesome, patient people in my life... thanks to the guys at camp for being so patient with me while i've been gone, my doe is pretty amazing... grace and cho for bringing me apple juice =]... anyway... i should get back to my movie =]... instead of getting back to my movie, i ended up falling asleep at 10:30 am.. and JUST woke up at 2:30.. crazy... anyway...

love to all...
hope you're praising God with me

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laugh with me! =]

Baby Trying To Stay Awake - Watch more free videos

how do you keep up?

i've never understood.... maybe it's an mk thing?.. or maybe it's just a me thing... how do you keep up with all the worlds that you have?... ccf, bfa, highschool fellowship, house, friends, parents, brother, ottawa, abbotsford, everyone in the states, work/camp, .......... list could go on... how do you find a healthy balance between all of it?... 'cuz once you take a moment to cater to one, you're far behind all the other ones... if you multi task it, it's shallow... i miss so many people... i want to love them all as God does... but how do you do it?... by the time i finish one country/one city... another continent's been ignored... how do you permeate your love around the world without disappointing people... Lord, I have so much to learn...

i saw this video at KGT a few weeks ago...


after listening to it several times, preparing for devos for camp tomorrow, i realize a few things. this is how much we impact those that are younger than us.. we really do have to be examples... i know i really looked up to those who were older when i was a youngin'... maybe that's the best i can do... which often brings me back to the question of what do you do after?... focus on the here and now with a glimpse of heaven knowing that there's a purpose for it all...

a child like faith... = simplicity...

i've always hated the word simple... it's SO relative... mr. comstock in grade 8 used to always tell us - nothing's easy... it's hard, but you understand it... but anyway.. another story, another day...

i gotta catch some shut eye to prep for work tomorrow... i'll post some pictures soon.. but.. I LOVE MY JOB!!!!!!!!!! =] =] =]

surreality

WRITTEN IN: Abbotsford, BC - the WEE residence
AFTER: my godsister, Charissa's wedding

i can't believe in in abbotsford!... it wasn't until 4 days before the wedding that it was actually decided that i would come.. it's really actually very surreal... this is what happened... i called my godfather to ask for their address so that i could send them a card... but instead of an address, i got a plane ticket!!!!!!!!!... SO... on thursday night, after my night class, i boarded the 1:40am bus for the Toronto Airport to catch the 7:15am flight to Abbotsford BC. weekend happened - tomorrow, i arrive in Toronto at 10:26 pm - a friend's going to pick me up and bring me to the Toronto Bus Terminal to catch the 12:30pm bus to Kingston and arrive at 3:30... in time to catch a quick snooze and make it to work at 8am on monday morning.. oh my dear.. fun times.. i'm still young... hopefully =P... anyway...

- - excerpt from an email - -
i realized today... that i want to be a better person.. that's a very vague/broad phrase... but i really do. today, i met God in his presence for the first time in a while... not even doing anything... it wasn't even anything spectacular... just remembering the simple joys in life... i miss being around kids... and adults too... they have so much wisdom in even simple conversations... i'm always told not to long for the person i was in highschool.. but i actually do... in the fact that the person i was in highschool was content with everything... i didn't ask so many questions.. i didn't doubt so much... i simply enjoyed...i want to do that again...i don't want to do things because i feel pressured... i want to do things because i want to do them.. i know i say that a lot... but i really do simply want to enjoy the simple things in life again... i say this as i'm far far away from school and the campus area... i know it won't be this easy onc ei get there... as i get lost again in the work that needs to be done... i want to be so close to God again... and i usually feel this when i'm around so many other Christians... i think i mean adults in particular... i knew God so dearly at one point in time.. i know that feeling... and i want it again.. but i'm so scared that once i get back to kingston i'll forget what that feeling was and forget why i want it so badly ... anyway...

- - - -

i know there's a lot of '...'s... and i know you hate them, but too bad =P... this is what you get =]...

i miss my friends

For Yoce and Me

Is it wrong to eat alone?
To always talk on the cell phone?
To never just be in one place:
Let others truly see my face?

And is it wrong to hide away
beneath a sweatshirt's hood all day?
Protecting that which I found good
Underneath my yellow hood?

OH! Can I please just shut my door
and seal my heart here evermore
Or must I always walk the earth
to let other humans judge my worth?

But then again, what is to fear?
My heart is good -- God is here.
And God is strong when I am weak
So through me let God always speak
And God loves people, this I know
So let His love from my face flow.

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i love you dear friend.. and i miss you so

patience and joy

thank you Lord


but now so tired =]...

unconstipate the children

i wrote a post with this same title about two years ago.. after i visited BFA (my school in germany) for the first (and only time) after i graduated...

when i came back from BFA, i realized that missionary kids often have the tendency to be emotionally constipated.. for the reason that showing emotion.. shedding tears... is a sign of weakness.. anger is simply a sin... of all that's expected from missionary kids, said and unsaid, anything REMOTELY unsettling in their lives they perceive as 'wrong'... it's not necessarily wrong... it may be just something you have to get through.. being homesick/sad??... takes to time get over... it's life...

but since then, i've realized that life in Canada is the same way...

it hurts me to see people in such pain, but so unwilling to share with people simply because of these STUPID MISCONCEPTIONS... and if they're willing, there aren't any ears to hear... i know this may be a generally sweeping statement... but i know that if you look around, you'll see this... it's not even biblical to keep your ALL your emotions in... as tabitha grubb said in her tribute to tears:

"I know this numbness all too well as time and time again I have shoved my feelings deep into the dark caverns of my heart. “I must be strong” I say to myself, justifying my emotional repression. In the end it is I who am weak, while those who weep are truly strong. “Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted” (Matt). “Blessed are you who weep now for you shall laugh”(Luke)."

i really like her whole article/speech on a tribute to tears... give it a read if you have a second...

Going back to BFA helped me realize how much I had come since highschool... I LOVED who i was in highschool.. I LOVED pretty much everything about highschool.. but I Thank God for the realization that that was then and this is now... seems simple... but much too complex for my simple mind... who i was in highschool was AWESOME for then... i need to be able to say that when i look back on university too though...

THUS:... i need to have more of these moments:



yeah i got schooled.... good timing on matt (the photographer)'s part..



but then i return and conquer =]



love you sarah nazwerijdkfjkovich =].. someday i'll learn your last name!

as simple as that.

i love you like a brother... nothing's gonna change that.

i'm here when you need me

My New Love: Rick

my beauty...
brand: easton
type: typhoon
color: sparkly bluish-green
size: JR!!! =]...
flex: 45
performance: 7
wear: 7.5
weight: 215 grams
... so pretty

why do i doubt?

God gave this to me this song by mercyme at a beautiful time.. His timing is perfect. check out the chorus

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home


I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

pretend

i love the imagination that kids have... i apparently don't have enough imagination, as ashlee evans once told me, not enough to play house... i found that ironic 'cuz i was a prostar at pretending... pretending to enjoy school, pretending to love kingston, pretending to do all these things hoping that they would rub off... a friend approached me and told me that i needed to stop that... i needed to take my hoodie off and be who i really was... yeah, things are different, but you have to admit it before you're able to deal with it... i find that to be common with a lot of my struggles... i try my best to cover it, whatever it may be.... but it's only until i admit that it's happening that things can go back to normal.... normal meaning me be myself... not necessarily the situation...

things are about to change.. hugely... as much as i say i don't like Queens and school and all.. i know i'm going to miss it... i hate campus, but i love kingston... we're about to enter fourth year... and then split off to who knows where... story of my life... note to self:... admit it now... otherwise by the time i get there, i'll have to start over like i did when i came to kingston...

don't pretend that things are the same... it'll only make things worse

insecurity and selfishness

so i didn't end up going to church today... well... i went... started singing... and all i wanted to do was cry... thus, i decided just to go home and watch an online sermon... on my way home... i continued to struggle with what it was exactly that was pulling me down.. why it was that i was so discouraged... i kept thinking to yesterday.. when i was arguing with God... asking him to let me NOT FAIL in everything i do.... i wasn't even asking to ace a test or a game or relationships... all i wanted was to not fail in everything i do... i feel like i try SO hard in everything i do.. and all i end up doing is failing/disappointing... i realized that i had chosen to settle for earthly treasurers... i'd come to the point where i essentially wasn't happy with what God has given to me... and i had come back to the point where i'd broken just a few months ago... wondering why it was that God felt so distant... truth is, i haven't abandoned God.. and most of all, i know that he hasn't abandoned me... but something was stopping me from having Him be a part of EVERY aspect of my life...

on the way to church this morning, i was in somewhat of a debate... here were the two sides: 1 - there's SO MUCH FRICKING work to be done... 7 courses SUCKS.. it NEVER ends... i see no end... there's no time to breathe.... the other side of the debate was: it's biblical to have a sabbath... ----- when i got home today... i opened mozilla to search for an online sermon to watch... our daily bread is my home page.. and the title today was: slow down ... you should check it out... the our daily bread for march 11th, 2007.... God couldn't have given it to me on a better day...

so i started watching this online sermon titled why we don't say what we're thinking... this couple was very humorous when preaching about this topic... the wife was telling the guys in the congregation the reasoning behind what girls think and do.. and vice versa for the husband... very amusing.. anyhow... they started talking about the origins of separation... when adam and eve took a bite of that apple... separation between man and God, and male and female... this curse opened the biggest can of worms... two of the worms presented themselves as insecurity and selfishness... all of the sudden man became egocentric... doing what was only necessary for one's self... taking care of one's own needs... naturally... insecurity asks questions like: am i loveable?.. do i have to change something to be loved?... (questions i often ask myself)... and then the wife said something i'd never thought about... " from insecurity, often springs selfishness because people don't know how to express themselves".... THAT'S IT!!.. that's me!.. i don't know how to express myself!.. but in doing so, i'm selfish... hmm... sow hat do i do?... seek to understand before you seek to be understood... that's something new... then the couple started talking about the fight that they had this past week... and how insecurity can often turn into defensiveness... and thus into selfishness 'cuz you want to win the fight... these selfish tendencies can often cause you to make 'huge sweeping defining comments'... SO TRUE!!...

i'm realizing this is a common occurence in my conversations with God... i'm insecure... he reminds me that despite my insecurities, he loves me... but when i hear that he recognizes my insecurities.. i get defensive and don't hear the part when he tells me that he loves me.. he treasures me... i'm his child... Psalms 103... he loves me........... so what do i have to do from here?... strength will rise as we wait upont he Lord..... wait... this simple task in society today has become so... (as our daily bread states it) complicated... but the key there is that it's simple...

almost there

it seems like this is always the state we're in... almost there...

- highschool, all i could think of was graduating... (not to leave, but to finish highschool)... almost there...
- when i got to canada, entered queens... all i could think was: almost there.. just finish first year.. it'll get better...
- second year came around... almost there... stupid concussion.. bad grades.. just finish this year...
- now i'm in third year... all i want is for school to be over... but that's too far to think ahead... so think 'bout summer.. almost there.. that's even too far to think... when will it ever be over? what's it?... i guess school...

granted, i'm only 20.. and that's not that long of a life... but i feel like it's been long enough... saying 'i'm almost there' doesn't even mean anything anymore... 'cuz i'm never gonna 'get there' until i go home to jesus... i can't wait for that day... is it wrong to say i'd like that day to come sooner?... life here on this earth just seems to be too hard... "university doesn't resemble life"... sure.. but it's life for now... "other people have it much worse"... i feel like that's just avoiding the situation... sure, other people have it worse, but still, i don't know how to handle my situation. I believe that God is on the throne... but God i just don't know how to handle this situation you've placed me in

What's enough?
a place in which God is present... where i can love people... where i have the time to love people... where i can be loved by people... knowing and doing what God wants me to do... wherever that may be... the jungles of africa or even toronto (although i'd have trouble with that one) knowing that that's where God wants me to be... and knowing what he wants me to do...

technically, technically, then i should have enough here... i know God wants me to be in kingston... i've made some amazing friends... really felt God's presence here... but i also know that God's placed me in university more so for the experience than the academia... so why the academia?... i hate that the academia and the experience have to go hand in hand... stupid academia... i know it'll be beneficial one day... in ways i won't even know.. but for now... i hate it... seems useless.. feels like i'm gonna forget it anyway...