pretend

i love the imagination that kids have... i apparently don't have enough imagination, as ashlee evans once told me, not enough to play house... i found that ironic 'cuz i was a prostar at pretending... pretending to enjoy school, pretending to love kingston, pretending to do all these things hoping that they would rub off... a friend approached me and told me that i needed to stop that... i needed to take my hoodie off and be who i really was... yeah, things are different, but you have to admit it before you're able to deal with it... i find that to be common with a lot of my struggles... i try my best to cover it, whatever it may be.... but it's only until i admit that it's happening that things can go back to normal.... normal meaning me be myself... not necessarily the situation...

things are about to change.. hugely... as much as i say i don't like Queens and school and all.. i know i'm going to miss it... i hate campus, but i love kingston... we're about to enter fourth year... and then split off to who knows where... story of my life... note to self:... admit it now... otherwise by the time i get there, i'll have to start over like i did when i came to kingston...

don't pretend that things are the same... it'll only make things worse

insecurity and selfishness

so i didn't end up going to church today... well... i went... started singing... and all i wanted to do was cry... thus, i decided just to go home and watch an online sermon... on my way home... i continued to struggle with what it was exactly that was pulling me down.. why it was that i was so discouraged... i kept thinking to yesterday.. when i was arguing with God... asking him to let me NOT FAIL in everything i do.... i wasn't even asking to ace a test or a game or relationships... all i wanted was to not fail in everything i do... i feel like i try SO hard in everything i do.. and all i end up doing is failing/disappointing... i realized that i had chosen to settle for earthly treasurers... i'd come to the point where i essentially wasn't happy with what God has given to me... and i had come back to the point where i'd broken just a few months ago... wondering why it was that God felt so distant... truth is, i haven't abandoned God.. and most of all, i know that he hasn't abandoned me... but something was stopping me from having Him be a part of EVERY aspect of my life...

on the way to church this morning, i was in somewhat of a debate... here were the two sides: 1 - there's SO MUCH FRICKING work to be done... 7 courses SUCKS.. it NEVER ends... i see no end... there's no time to breathe.... the other side of the debate was: it's biblical to have a sabbath... ----- when i got home today... i opened mozilla to search for an online sermon to watch... our daily bread is my home page.. and the title today was: slow down ... you should check it out... the our daily bread for march 11th, 2007.... God couldn't have given it to me on a better day...

so i started watching this online sermon titled why we don't say what we're thinking... this couple was very humorous when preaching about this topic... the wife was telling the guys in the congregation the reasoning behind what girls think and do.. and vice versa for the husband... very amusing.. anyhow... they started talking about the origins of separation... when adam and eve took a bite of that apple... separation between man and God, and male and female... this curse opened the biggest can of worms... two of the worms presented themselves as insecurity and selfishness... all of the sudden man became egocentric... doing what was only necessary for one's self... taking care of one's own needs... naturally... insecurity asks questions like: am i loveable?.. do i have to change something to be loved?... (questions i often ask myself)... and then the wife said something i'd never thought about... " from insecurity, often springs selfishness because people don't know how to express themselves".... THAT'S IT!!.. that's me!.. i don't know how to express myself!.. but in doing so, i'm selfish... hmm... sow hat do i do?... seek to understand before you seek to be understood... that's something new... then the couple started talking about the fight that they had this past week... and how insecurity can often turn into defensiveness... and thus into selfishness 'cuz you want to win the fight... these selfish tendencies can often cause you to make 'huge sweeping defining comments'... SO TRUE!!...

i'm realizing this is a common occurence in my conversations with God... i'm insecure... he reminds me that despite my insecurities, he loves me... but when i hear that he recognizes my insecurities.. i get defensive and don't hear the part when he tells me that he loves me.. he treasures me... i'm his child... Psalms 103... he loves me........... so what do i have to do from here?... strength will rise as we wait upont he Lord..... wait... this simple task in society today has become so... (as our daily bread states it) complicated... but the key there is that it's simple...

almost there

it seems like this is always the state we're in... almost there...

- highschool, all i could think of was graduating... (not to leave, but to finish highschool)... almost there...
- when i got to canada, entered queens... all i could think was: almost there.. just finish first year.. it'll get better...
- second year came around... almost there... stupid concussion.. bad grades.. just finish this year...
- now i'm in third year... all i want is for school to be over... but that's too far to think ahead... so think 'bout summer.. almost there.. that's even too far to think... when will it ever be over? what's it?... i guess school...

granted, i'm only 20.. and that's not that long of a life... but i feel like it's been long enough... saying 'i'm almost there' doesn't even mean anything anymore... 'cuz i'm never gonna 'get there' until i go home to jesus... i can't wait for that day... is it wrong to say i'd like that day to come sooner?... life here on this earth just seems to be too hard... "university doesn't resemble life"... sure.. but it's life for now... "other people have it much worse"... i feel like that's just avoiding the situation... sure, other people have it worse, but still, i don't know how to handle my situation. I believe that God is on the throne... but God i just don't know how to handle this situation you've placed me in

What's enough?
a place in which God is present... where i can love people... where i have the time to love people... where i can be loved by people... knowing and doing what God wants me to do... wherever that may be... the jungles of africa or even toronto (although i'd have trouble with that one) knowing that that's where God wants me to be... and knowing what he wants me to do...

technically, technically, then i should have enough here... i know God wants me to be in kingston... i've made some amazing friends... really felt God's presence here... but i also know that God's placed me in university more so for the experience than the academia... so why the academia?... i hate that the academia and the experience have to go hand in hand... stupid academia... i know it'll be beneficial one day... in ways i won't even know.. but for now... i hate it... seems useless.. feels like i'm gonna forget it anyway...